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Tuesday Night Bouldering

TNB: 10 Tips for Jolene Kay, Professional Climber (and Hot Actress)

“Jolene Kay: Rock Climber” is a high production short that shows an actress leaping and dancing her way up and around some sandstone cliffs. She does not, however, quite pull off the role of “professional rock climber.”

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There are a lot of climbing videos out there these days and, as an
editor of a climbing magazine I get to see most of the noteworthy ones. The films I remember vary from shaky, hand-held records of significant first
ascents to well-produced vids of pros pulling down classics in areas I’d like to visit. Like most climbers, I watch climbing films to get inspired,
but occasionally someone (usually Andrew Bisharat) will share a video that grabs my attention for another reason.

Such is the case with the short film below, which rockandice.com editor Mississippi Chris Parker sent me recently. “Jolene Kay: Rock Climber” is a high
production short that shows an actress leaping and dancing her way up and around some sandstone cliffs that look a lot like Malibu Creek, California.
Kay is a VERY attractive woman and she looks great as she pretends to be a climber and I applaud her acting in this film, and I think she has a great
career ahead of her. Apparently she’s already appeared in TV shows and in the 2009 Star Trek movie. She does not, however, quite pull off
the role of “professional rock climber,” a moniker that appears at the end of the credits in “Jolene Kay: Rock Climber,” (along with the claim that
no rocks were harmed in the filming of the video and the disturbing news that Jolene badly banged her knee. I hope your knee is better, Jolene.)

Because Ms. Kay has so much … potential, I’ve watched this video, like, 100 times, and I’ve come up with some feedback for Jolene Kay, so that she
can better impersonate a real professional rock climber next time she’s called on to play one on the silver screen.

Check out the video below and see if these tips resonate with you and feel free to add your own advice for Jolene Kay, cause I have the feeling she’s a
really nice person and might even like me.

10 Tips for Jolene Kay

1) Never allow yourself to be filmed top roping. Professional rock climbers only lead (or in the case of the piss-easy
slab you’re climbing, solo). Top roping makes one appear, well, lame and real pro climbers are simply too badass to TR. Just sayin’.

2) Shorten up those slings! If you’re gonna dance, run and cavort near the edge of a cliff, please learn to make a
trad draw so that a sling doesn’t wrap around your knee or foot and send you to your death, or worse, damage that smoking hot body of yours. That would
be awful.

3) Don’t run and dance around at the edge of a cliff. Duh.

4) Was the dyno at 30 seconds necessary? I didn’t think so. A real pro climber will climb efficiently (unless there’s
a photographer present in which case a pro climber will do just about anything from stripping to dynoing, so, never mind number 4 … )

5) The excessive chalk usage at 40 seconds is appalling. A professional climber would never waste that much chalk.
One never knows when he will need all his chalk to draw a six-foot ticker to the lip hold on Right Martini (V12).

6) At 50 seconds you employ a strange racking system. I appreciate the passion you put into organizing your gear,
but a pro climber would simply SHORTEN UP THOSE SLINGS and clip them to her harness.

7) Around a minute into the video you recklessly rush the edge of the cliff. It just makes me worried.

8) At 1:14—Dab!

9) 1:30. For God’s sake, shorten those slings Jolene! I’m amazed and thankful that the only thing you injured was
your knee.

10) 2:20. Who’s Phil? Cause I hate him.

Happy Holidays, climbers! From your friends at Rock and Ice.